Random Shiny Chickens

Beyond What I Think Is Cool

2009-03-13T09:29:00.002-05:00

You know, for the longest time I could handle Life on her own terms, but then she became such a bitch! Just when I thought I was through all the major changes I could handle, she decided to just keep throwing more my way. Now? F**k it, I am fighting back.

Times are hard...for almost everyone I know it seems. For those I know who are not struggling economically, emotionally or mentally, I just pray that it stays that way, but I doubt it...you can say I am now an official cynic. Didn't used to be that way. The glass was half full for the longest time, but I got thirsty, drank the rest and now my damned glass is flippin empty. Drained folks, really, truly and ready to just check out of the game altogether.

Oh, but that just sounds so dramatic doesn't it?

2007-11-03T09:31:00.000-05:00

TRANSITIONS

2007-10-26T09:38:00.000-05:00

This morning I awoke and new that the end of this current transformation is now at hand. Since the end of January, my life has been caught in a wine press and only now am I beginning to see the elixir of my life come into being.

My life here in this neck of the woods is over. The bank came by and posted their intent to sell the house on courthouse steps, and the propane is running out, along with my time. It is hard to believe how many endings have occurred within the last month alone to facilitate my letting go of the life I have here as I know it. The rabbit died. I had to bury her...and as I was doing so, I found myself treating the burial with some disrespect, yelling at the sky something to the effect that I am through with death, through with all the endings; enough already!

My oldest cat is dying. She isn't in any pain that we can see, but she is definitely on her way out. She is about 13-14 years old....about the length of time that I have lived here, and I find it appropriate that she is leaving us at the same time that I am leaving here. Interesting timing. I know that I am going to have to put her down at the vet's, but until she displays any pain, it isn't happening. She is seeking me out, this old cat of mine. She is purring and talking to me now more than ever. It is as if she is advising me on my future, telling me that that I am being a fool to be so upset with this change...the Universe has willed it so, and I am being a shithead for not being more gracious with the gifts that lay before me. I am stubborn, like the cat, willful and independent as well. I am also impatient with these circumstances, but she doesn't care. She is insistent sharing her wisdom with me for now and she is pissing on the carpet that I have lovingly taken care of and stressed over for years; she is telling me to piss on it all and let it go. I am getting some pee pads for her today and am going to limit her roaming range for both of our sakes.

So I am packing. I am reminiscing. I am saying goodbye to the woods, to the animals, to the house itself. I am deciding my future. I am ridding myself of a ton of shit. I am cleaning out my soul.

I am heading back to the city after all this time. I was born and raised in a city, never wanted to go back, and now find myself looking forward to it from a whole different set of eyes than the ones I moved here with. I am richer, wiser, and more at peace than ever before. I have grown up in the woods, and now am taking my ass into some new territory that is kind of scaring the shit out of me. What if I hate it? What if I can't hack being back in the rat race? What if I can't sleep with all the frickin noise? The fears and questions are redundant anyways, as I am confronting them and eliminating them one by one, so all will be well.

None of it matters though, because what will be, will be. I am not fighting this any more; that has been the lesson. I am not struggling to make my life into something that it isn't. I am not living under some delusion of grandeur to make it better. I am simple, my life is simple, it is my mind that makes it complicated. I will survive the transition, one day at a time, as I have survived and blossomed with my sobriety for over 8 years now...again, one day at a time and I can honestly say that I have done well to spread my arms wide and say "I am ready" at last.

Coming out on the Other Side

2007-09-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

Well...it has been a couple of months since I wrote anything here for good reason. I have been learning how NOT to drown in the ocean of life. At last, I can see the end of the hell that has been life for the last nine months and I am here to say that I barely recognize the person I am today.

Updates? Too many to fully explain, but a few highlights here; the house is being packed up slowly but surely. I figure that we have until February at the latest, but we are shooting to relocate at the end of December. Many trips to Habitat for Humanity, the Goodwill, a three day yard sale and one 6 yard dumpster has allowed me to rid myself of a lot of 'things' (broken and otherwise) that I honestly had to detach myself from. The process of elimination was a cleansing one; I still can not believe how easy it was to SHED the shit in my life and in my house. It has been a great physical purging that is paving the way to living my life a lot more simply.

The puppies? Well, we survived. Two were placed into good homes. They of course, ruined my carpet and ate a lot of furniture, but who cares? Not me, not anymore. They are well taken care of, and we were not the right owners for them. Besides, the way I look at it, it is less furniture to move in a few months for us!

My oldest daughter is relocating for a new job in a matter of weeks, and we are so happy and excited for her and the parental relief in knowing that she is on a fantastic path is grounds for a celebration and gratitude. The oldest son is doing more than well in his new classes this term and I am so pleased with his ability to stay focused on his goals that I almost envy him.

Me? Well, I am working two jobs right now, but have managed to get caught up on most of the bills. We are still losing the house, but that is ok. I have accepted what is to be, and am now looking forward to the next phase of my life.

I recently celebrated a milestone birthday by pouting all day in bed, but got over it soon enough by looking in the mirror and realizing that I did not look like one of those shrunken apple witch dolls we make during the fall season! I discovered that I am not broken and my heart still beats.

I also had the joy of experiencing a lovely relationship with a wonderful man who unfortunately lives too far away to carry on an ongoing, evolving relationship, but his presence in my life rekindled thoughts and feelings that I had long forgotten about. Even though the relationship is over, I am so happy to have known him and for everything that I was able to discover about myself. Yes, I know this is incredibly narcissistic, but I enjoyed myself immensely and now carry more faith in myself and the world that I consider it a gift from the Goddess.

My life turned upside down months ago, and here I am today. I know that I can adapt to almost any given situation, but what almost did me in here was the amount of changes that I had to go through in such a short period of time. I am still in the midst; it isn't over yet, but for now, today, I can smile and know that it will all work out the way that is best for all concerned. The only reality that scares me a bit is knowing how alone I am right now. I have never been in such a lonely situation before. Which leads me to the messages that I keep receiving from the Universe about self-reliance.

I am a huge believer in animal totems and meanings. The Heron made a dramatic entrance into my life last November...and with hindsight being 20/20, this is when my life as I knew it began to change. Heron's message is one of "aggressive self-determination and self-reliance" according to Ted Andrew's Animal Speak and even though I understood intellectually what I was in for, I had no idea that the reality would be so dramatic and life altering!

The Heron wasn't the only one to deliver such a message. The crows. Now, the crows are my personal totem (the picked me many years ago, I did not choose them) and I have always paid attention to them and their messages to me. However, many months ago, after the 'man' left my life at the end of January, the began to swarm into my life in the most noticeable way. In all the years I have lived in this house, the crows seemed to have kept their distance. Oh, they would fly overhead and roost around the property, but never did they all come in at once and start talking to me. I have heard the crows make noises that I have never heard before. They hang outside my bedroom window and wake me up with their screaming conversations. They are landing close to the house all the time now. In numbers. Not just singly or in pairs, but sometimes murders of them are right outside the door now. This has never happened to me personally before, and since their primary message is one of "magic necessary to create or recreate life", it seems rather obvious they are there to comfort and guide me in this huge transformational process.

So, with all of this said, I am alive and well. Spirit has everything under control and I am excited and looking forward to the future of many months of feeling like I am choking to death with every new day.

It's the same but it's different

2007-07-29T10:33:00.000-05:00

My life is in shambles. My home is now a certifiable disaster area. I hardly see my children anymore. The garden is forlorn and in disarray. Books lay unread on the tables. Friends are far away and unreachable right now. I don’t cook anymore. I am so far behind in my bills that I doubt I will be caught up before the first snow. Foreclosure looms upon the horizon like the worst kind of monster ever dreamed, and I am finally getting over a horrible chest cold that struck me almost two weeks ago.

It is time to rejoice!

I, for one, would never have foreseen this kind of reaction in myself, but it is true! It’s time to party and time to celebrate! The last six months are now classified as one of the most difficult times of my life and rank right up there with kicking drugs, getting sober and getting divorced, but what I know now is that the next six months of my life are going to be fabulous, fantastic and far out !

My Higher Self, in conjunction with the Divine Universe, felt it was necessary to rip the carpet out from under me, bring me to my knees and turn my life completely upside down in order to get my attention; consider it an unexpected slap in the face from a loved one in the middle of a death like trance. I am paying attention now.

I never realized, never saw, how entrenched I had become in my own thoughts and actions; how encased in the fear of the unknown I had become and how hindered I had become. Fear has a way of hardening the heart and mine had become a stone. It has taken a series of devastating life changes to bring me back into focus and to allow love to flow again in my veins. So yes, I am rejoicing even if it is only in my mind because my body is too exhausted to dance yet.

I am looking at this small world of mine with new eyes. I see possibilities wherever I look now instead of obstacles. Yes, the house is still a disaster, the garden is overrun, the kids are doing their thing, the bills are still mounted up and the stove is remaining cold. But the point is, the house can be cleaned up, the garden can be brought back into heel, the kids are allowed to grow up, I really don’t like to cook a whole lot and the bills are just bills. I hear George Carlin saying ‘It’s the same, but it’s different’ and I get it now………took a few years, but I get it now.

Thank you George……….

Re-emerging

2007-06-04T05:39:00.000-05:00

I has been four months now since 'the man' went crazy and left my life. Since that time, my life has been full of chaos, insanity and a newly developed habit of insomnia. Overall, I can say that it has all been positive, but deep down, the act of just getting through the days has been covering up what I have unwillingly discovered as loneliness...

Since 'the man' left, I have been working two jobs to try to pay the bills that he left me behind in, learning to live with my oldest daughter again, dealing with my first time lovestruck son, and puppies, who are now very big, but still not completely housebroken. This is just the big stuff. The jobs haven't brought nearly enough cash in, there are problems with the daughter and her sweetheart, my son was dumped by this weird little girl and the puppies still are not completely housebroken.***sigh*** The last week was full of insomnia, exhaustion and work, work, work. So I basically disappeared into a strict schedule of survival only.

Last night was the end of both of my jobs which are now replace with a new, full-time job that should be able to sustain myself and the household. Last night I was finally able to sleep, but not before one of the biggest crying sessions of my life. I discovered that I was lonely and scared. Yup, me. The tough and mighty, the most tenacious broad many people claim to know was brought low to her knees and found herself in a weeping pile of snot and misery. I am going to chalk it up to total fatigue and temporary insanity, or I will allow it to be part of the healing process, either way, I am stuffed and puffy eyed this morning and determined to move on. I just wish I could figure out what 'moving on' really means and am I supposed to be enjoying the drive?

Spring and Sex

2007-05-12T06:41:00.000-05:00

Let me just get right down to this. Beltane, for me, is a fun day full of fertility and sex. Spring comes leaping upon us like a buck looking for a doe, and I have always found pleasure celebrating this holiday, that is, until this year. As I have posted, this is the first time being alone during spring in many years and I can now officially define ‘cat scratch fever’. Randyness is not suffered well by this random chicken. (For those not in the know here is a randy definition “One way of ensuring that Brits laugh at American sitcoms is to put someone in the program called Randy. This is because randy in UK English translates very well as horny in US English…” )

A few years ago I would have handled things much differently, but listen folks, I am officially in my sexual prime and I am uncomfortable! (This is not a request for takers, so please don’t ask) I can now relate to the angst of young men suffering from blue balls, one track minds and ridiculous thoughts and behaviors. Don’t get me wrong, I am somewhat mature and I am not out there doing anything weird or irresponsible. I am not into any questionable perversions, but this is getting out of hand! So what is a woman who is crawling up walls to do? Yea, you have some ideas I know, so run with them; more than likely a few of those ideas are correct.

I called my mom.

Of course I called my mom; she is one of the most intelligent people I know and we can talk about anything and have. (I was born in the 60’s after all, need I say more?) Really mom, is this normal? I am just not used to this physiological/biological intensity within my own body…what the hell? Between her tears of laughter and gasping for air, she assured me that indeed, I was normal and no, this wasn’t about mind over matter. This is more basic, more animal than that. I always believed that this ‘affliction’ would occur at an earlier age, and that I had possibly just missed it, but nnnnooooo, not me, the perpetual late bloomer and here I find myself looking at men a whole new way. No offense gentlemen, but there are frequent moments within the last month or so when I will look at one of you as an object, a means to an end, a tool and alas, the gender roles have been tweaked in my own mind. (I can hear men laughing all over the world…*sigh*)

Ok, so as a rational human being (really!), I decided to break this down in my mind. A woman in her prime with no partner makes for a real bitch, and as a service to myself, my family, and my co-workers, I decided the only right and compassionate thing to do would be to get laid. This of course opens a whole can of worms in more ways than one. (Yea, I suppose the pun was intended) Well, if you read one of my first posts (younger men), it will illuminate the direction I decided to take. Clichés are clichés for a reason. I think that it was/is a win-win situation for all and, I might add with a side splitting grin, legal!

No one was hurt during the making of my personal Beltaine ritual.

So was it worth it? YES. I feel much better now, thank you for asking. Am I going to do it again? Yep. With the same buck? Certainly. Was it safe? Duh! Any possibility of misunderstanding on his part? No way. This is about biology, maintenance, and self preservation, besides, I don’t have any more urges to bite the dogs and they are grateful for that.

Now the great thing about this, besides the anticipation of a repeat event, is the well spring of creativity that has been flowing through me since. I have been writing again with honesty and intensity. My perceptions have been cleansed. Things are fresh and full of energy again. Isn’t this what Beltaine is about? I thought I had lost all of this to a bad relationship and growing older. Who would have thought a simple matter of good sex could do this? I know some of you out there are sneering, mocking and generally making a nuisance of yourself, so my heartfelt sympathies go out to you. Hey, I didn’t say it was for everyone, I can only speak for myself but if it works, if it is safe, if it is legal, and it is fun, then I’m in.

Merry Spring to all!

Activism

2007-05-03T06:32:00.000-05:00

I am so out of the loop sometimes.

My 15 year old informed me that May 15, 2007 is a DO NOT PUMP GAS Day. My initial thought was one of tenderness that there would be enough teenagers in the area to try something like this in an attempt to sock it to the mega giant gas corporations. Then I followed his instructions, did a bit of research this morning, and what do I know? This is looking to be quite big. It is all over MySpace (not a place I frequent) and the word has spread.

PLEASE PASS THE WORD AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN!!!! DO NOT PUMP GAS MAY 15, 2007

something like this was done in the '90's to with a degree of success, and even if it wasn't/couldn't be successful, I will participate anyways. I am very aware of how uber monster large these corps are. I also know they could take a sock in the gut of a couple of million dollars for a day without anything more than a small cough, but damn it! I must have a voice.

I consider myself a realistic idealist. (yea, it does look like an oxymoron doesn't it?) this means that in my heart of hearts, I am an environmentalist, a feminist, and a spiritual rebel, but I know that I will never change the world and its doings. I aspire to only affect positive change among those I know and love and cherish and commune with. I think globally and I act locally. The idealist within me has the perfect vision of the perfect world (and like a good Virgo, I am telling you that it would be clean!:)and the realist knows that these actions are like the salmon swimming upstream to spawn.

I remember seeing salmon swim upstream when I was young. I could not wrap my head around the fact that they were giving their entire lives to swim upstream to a place they had never been to in order to reproduce and die. I just didn't get it. I thought how futile! How silly to be wasting an entire life swimming against a current. How did they have the strength? What keeps them going? How can they actually jump out of the water like that?

As I have gotten older (really older) I have come to understand that there are some things that can not be explained. I have been called tenacious, strong willed, amazingly strong and a bunch of other adjectives that describe my will and ability to overcome numerous obstacles in my path over the years. I can't describe to anyone where the steel in my mind and in my spine come from, it is just there; just like the salmon. There are no alternatives for me; I have this inner radar that keeps me going against the current, against the mainstream. I am focused on a destination that I am familiar with internally, but not necessary on a conscious level. This radar sounds an alarm when I loose myself, and the nice thing is that I have learned how to listen to the warnings on most days.

I am much more mellow within my own skin, without compromising my intensity and determination.

My First Link Attempt

2007-05-01T12:01:00.000-05:00

Well, this isn't what I wanted it to look like at all.....besides, I am not digging the idea of developing this kind of figure as I get older; proud of the one I have right now.
And another thing, this isn't a link at all, just some obnoxious copying on my part. What was it I said about learning this in a decent amount of time...I feel like a snail rather than Centaur.

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person.

However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways.

You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order.

You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

I am too old for this it

2007-05-01T11:45:00.000-05:00

Today I am going to try to advance my tech knowledge. This computer stuff really drives me crazy to tell the truth. I love cruising other blogs, but am so envious that you all make it look so easy with all those tidy links, more than one book listings, and those sometimes cool little quiz thingys, not to mention the numerous other 'shiny' objects on your blog pages.

Being older may mean being wiser....call me owl thank you...but I am definitely wishing I was a savant 'bout now with computers.

K, well, I am off to bang my head against my keyboard now. Today, I will try to learn how to post a link within the actual blog without using the whole www. adress, like all of you pros do. If I manage it within a decent amount of time, I will then try to conquer the 'books I am reading' spot to be able to show more than one book title at the same time.Any who would like to make some suggestions, please do before I give myself a concussion.

Poetry

2007-04-30T07:00:00.000-05:00

I am a closet poet but don't tell anyone.

I am sure that I am a very terrible poet, but I can't seem to help myself nonetheless.

Winter wouldn't let go this year, and in keeping with my patron goddess, Persephone, I am working on this piece right now. Constructive criticism is always a good thing, so here it goes, and may you enjoy this effort.....

Hade’s Howl

She is stretched thin
Ethereal
Under the night of earth

Feeling the heat of his drums
Still pounding in her blood
Pounding in her sex

He howls with anguish
From his shadow
A sure sign of her leaving

Withholding the life of the sun
Her mother still grieves
Wanting what is hers

Persephone stretches further
Into gossamer; withholding
From the both of them

The desire of her dark lover
Throbs underneath her skin
The pit of her stomach
Always his

The warmth of her Mother
Always fresh
Nurtures her fleshly seeds
Waiting to burst

But for this moment
She can only just breathe
And claim herself
In solitude

The Business of Death

2007-04-29T10:37:00.000-05:00

I found this online today: The Natural Death Centre. http://www.naturaldeath.org.uk/. Hurray for England! I must find an American counter part. Reading about this book got me to thinking about an essay I read years ago meticulously describing the details of body preservation and viewing preparations of a deceased body. Upon reading this piece, I threw up and decided to be cremated. My views have not changed and I have become more convinced that modern funeral industry has become a crime to humanity and the planet.

If I am born of the Mother, why on earth may I not be returned to Her in an environmentally safe fashion? I can not ‘legally’ be buried on my own property attended by my family and friends, but I can be pumped full of toxic chemicals and encased in a non-decomposing casket to remain forever preserved. Whose wishes are being preserved here? Not mine. If my family pets can be buried on my property, why can’t I? Our pets are family, I am family, and I am frequently accused of being more like my dogs than I care to admit, so this should make me a family pet and eligible to be buried on my property.

Why should strangers make a profit on my dead body and be allowed to exploit my grieving family? Thousands of dollars go into a funeral; those dollars are not going into the pockets of my children, but are being taken out of their pockets like it was a crime for me to die. No, I am not suicidal (in lieu of my last post), but Death and all the attached services are making a financial killing. (Pardon me for the unexpected pun).

I went on a job interview several years ago for a casket shop. The owner was committed to easing the exploitation of death and opened her shop across the street from a funeral home. There was a weird severity throughout the interview along with a twisted sense of humor. The choice of the store’s location came from a personal experience she had gone through with the loss of a good friend. The funeral home (yes, the one across the street from her) had attended to her deceased friend and she became aware of the cost for the casket alone. Curious, she began a search of casket costs and to her dismay, came to know how much of a sickening profit those people had made. (Yes, a grotesque amount of profit).

I am sure that most people are not aware of how well funeral homes do financially. The people who own these places are usually (not always) well above the normal income bracket. I used to work with a man who grew up in the business, and let’s just say he was accustomed to a very posh life. The more I learned from him, the more disillusioned I became. My Grandmother died a little over a year ago, and I bet the owner of the funeral home she was viewed in is driving a Jag.

Don’t get me wrong. A fair charge for services rendered is expected. An outrageous profit made at the expense of death just isn’t cool.

Depressed Voyeur

2007-04-27T07:18:00.000-05:00

It's time to come clean.

I am depressed and I am not admitting to this gracefully. I could blame how I am feeling on a lot of different things. I can psychoanalyze myself to death; I could use any numerous devices such as food, sex, shopping or gambling to ease my pain, but am not doing so. I am tired though and always seem to have a very bad headache.

My depression is stemming from a lot of surpressed anger and frustration. Because I have so much on my plate and an obscene amount of responsibilities I have managed to barely just keep going but can not seem to get over the exhaustion or the headaches. The hardest part of this experience is to stop talking badly to myself.

I am not a depressive personality but toward the end of January, my life took one of the most dramatic turns I have ever seen. My young daughter moved to her dad's house as a last ditch effort to stem her destructive behavior. As a mother, my heart is broken. As a wild woman, I am enjoying the freedom from her anger and destructive behavior. There seems to be no reconciliation of these emotions and it is a matter of time before I will find equilibrium.

On the same day as my daughter's flight, my long term partner went beserko and claimed that he "should have shot (my) head off with a shotgun six years ago"! I can not stress enough that this was unexpected, crazy and scary behavior. He moved out within a few days of this outburst without a single apology or look over his shoulder. I can not explain his behavior, I only know that it was unforseen, frightening and nuts! I had never been even remotely scared of this man until that moment.

Within a week of these two events, I found my oldest daughter moving back home with her boyfriend, two puppies and two cats in tow. Her moving home was a good thing and a cause for rejoicing (much like the prodigal son story), but of course, changes, accommodations, and acclamation was difficult on the heels of all the dramatic trauma I found myself in.

In addition to all of this, my one puppy and her two puppies were all in the throws of house training, as I have mentioned already, so I won't begin to address the poop issues again, except to say that we are closer now to a poo free environment than we were about three months ago. Of course, lets throw in all of the vet visits, spaying, and the common parasitic infection that is currently running through all of them right now and being treated to the tune of about $200+.

I am a very tenacious and emotionally strong person, so I am told repeatedly by my family and friends, but I began to find myself drained. Add in a horrific winter and a terrible tourist season of which my profession depends on and whamo! I find myself getting farther and farther into this miasmic pit of depression.

In addition to the emotional roller coaster I found/find myself on, there is the pragmatic situation of money. With my daughter in California, there is no child support. With my partner gone, half of the household income walked out with him. It is safe to say that about 2/3 of my income disappeared in one evening. Even though my daughter moved in, we are both in the hospitality industry and have suffered the worst season of our lives due to the crazy weather we have had this year and local economics. The boyfriend, Goddess bless him, made the mortgage payment this month, but is barely working himself. We are all scrambling to work extra jobs, going on several interviews and waiting for call backs. Unfortunately, this is known as the dead season right now, and it will not ease up for at least three more weeks. Summary: broke, broke, broke.

Rationally I know that we are going to be fine and will be caught up by mid summer. We have had our family pow wow and have covered all of the options and are doing without for now. I think that the dogs are eating better than we are but that is the responsibility of having our animals. We have countlessly reminded ourselves that our financial situation is not a result of mismanagement of our funds, but simply an instant result to dramatic changes in our life circumstances. It is extremely difficult for me to not blame myself somehow; guilt and frustration shadow my heart and mind.

So, I am depressed. I think that most people would say that there is reason enough to be so right now, but I don't do depression. I pride myself on handling life on life's terms, adapting to change with ease and handling financial affairs with skill but it can be said that pride commeth before the fall and I am here to say that I have fallen and am not too interested in getting up right now. I am not going to the doctor for pills and I don't drink. Time is a great healer and I am giving myself permission today to be screwed up. I know that this to shall pass.

Here is the voyeurism part. I am online again reading everyone's blogs. I am silently reading what others are thinking and find it therapeutic. I finally realised this morning that I needed to confess my reality and risk my exposure, my vulnerability. I have been in denial about this depression, trying to conquer and ignore it; it isn't working. My hope with this confession of how I really feel, without buying into all the guilt, self-blame and repressed emotions, is to find my zest again and to get up and walk.

For all of you that are taking the time to read this, I thank you ahead of time for your prayers and good will. Know that I am peeking in on you too and take strength and courage from your words, observations and activities. I am grateful to you and grateful to have found this medium of expression.

Big World, small mind

2007-04-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

It is probably just me being weird again, but Jesus, the world is huge!
Again, probably just me being weird, but there are so many thoughts out there connected and attached to people...this is crazy!
I am easily overwhelmed some days and want to live inside a single room for days, but today isn't one of those days.
I think I could change the world until I realize how big it is.

I went to Barnes & Noble today (baaaad mistake when broke) and had a ball being entertained by so many people calling out to me from their shelves. I love going to bookstores esp. when I have been living in a small room for days at a time. A little perspective is all I need sometimes.

How to get back on track

2007-04-16T13:10:00.000-05:00

I am not a good capitalist. I realized yesterday while driving that I am just not all that interested in today's culture like the majority of society. This basic, all encompassing fact about myself drives me crazy. I had to go to Kohl's yesterday with my son, who is not a big consumer either thank Goddess, to exchange a pair of jeans for his lanky form. During the entire trip, I couldn't wait to get out of the store. I don't understand the need for 100 different styles of shoes that change every 6 weeks and what good they can be if you can't go walking in the mud with them. What is the point of buying jeans with holes in them? It certainly takes the fun and pride out of putting the holes in them myself through hard work and playing hard. Maybe I have been shopping at the second hand stores for too long because I can not justify spending a ridiculous amount of money on clothing that really is going to be out of fashion in a matter of weeks; this just isn't a good investment for me, but a huge profit for manufacturers. Maybe I am just too practical, but even as a kid, I remember hating the department stores, not needing video games, enjoying books, puzzles and a good bike ride; funny, I still enjoy these activities.

Watching all the people (I tend to do this A LOT) reminds me of a ant farm. Mindless consumerism without a legitimate need is one of the primary downfalls of American culture. This country, even in the rural, rural, rural area that I live in is consumed with the overwhelming pressure to buy more stuff to fill up their obscenely large homes in order to make people feel they are going somewhere in their life, that somehow they have arrived. I am not dense. I understand the mentality of the masses; I just sense the futility of it all.

Again, I make a terrible consumer, full of critique and derision. (I try to tone down the derision part), but I just don't understand why I need a newer TV, a faster computer or more clothes that are just look plain silly. Why is everyone driving up the cost of living this way? Will it ever end? I doubt it, which is why I have a different type of lifestyle and walk a different sort of walk.

I work to pay my bills, but I am not living to work or to spend. I am ambitious, just not in the 'American' sort of way. I do not want to be a big fish in a little pond, in fact, I would love to see all the little fish gang up on the few big fish that are running the show and chase them out of the pond, but alas, I suffer from delusions and idealism, so I have made a few decisions.

First, I will never succumb. I will not be pressured into thinking that Anna Nicole Smith is worth more of my time than the efforts of my Senate to bring my brothers and sisters home from the stupid war. I refuse to associate with Ambercrombie or invite him to my home. (I am not even sure that I know how to spell his name...lol) I do "Just Do It" without the help of Nike. I do not take medication because some cracker jack driving a Mercedes tells me it's safe, when the truth of the matter is the more medication he or she can shove down my throat, the greater the kickback and the bigger car he or she can drive. I do not watch TV or subscribe to the "liberal" media (one of the biggest oxymorons on the planet). I choose to be inconvenienced by recycling, animals and trying to be as nice as possible (difficult with all the idiocy floating around these days...in the air or water I think).

Second, I am spreading the word. I don't think that most people are aware of much of what goes on behind the scenes of big business, so I share what I know as much as possible. This doesn't win me any popularity contests, but I do serve a purpose.

Third; I have a vision. People perish for the lack of vision, and I just refuse to rot like an uneaten piece of fruit. I nourish that vision and talk of it with my family and friends. I connect, plug in, and nourish myself with others that can and do feed my soul. Without this type of communion, I would loose faith.

Well, I suppose I could go on and on like an old re-run, but I won't. I need to go and hug my son and my dog now, so whether this is a well written blog or not, doesn't matter. I followed through and I am off to feed my soul.....

ciao

Grumpy and Pissy

2007-04-11T09:45:00.000-05:00

I am grumpy. As a pagan, I usually appreciate and enjoy the seasonal changes of the area of the world that I live in. Now, I am just getting pissy. In April, there is almost always a last snow storm of the season. The snow will usually melt within hours or days, but what we are experiencing right now is highly unusual. We had a four day snow storm that dropped over three feet, now we are readying for another 6+ inches within the next few hours. Usually, I am not affected with seasonal depression like many in my community are, but now? I am developing some empathy. I can't however, believe that this latest storm is for my 'benefit' and I am rebelling and ready to crawl into bed for the rest of the day. This is crazy! What on earth is going on? I don't mean to cry about this over and over again, but honestly folks, this is nuts!

I do wonder how much of this weird weather is related to global warming, and how much of it is just a natural cycle? I have only lived here for about 12 years, but even the old timers are talking about this weather as a phenomenon they have never seen. It is one thing for it to snow, but another to actually be covered in it without any signs of melting in April, and to top it off, another storm approaches carrying another load.

Yes, I know, I am bored with this subject too.

Does anyone out there have any great real estate leads for Costa Rica about now?

Dog Attacked by Chipmunks

2007-04-10T08:40:00.000-05:00

This is just a crazy story that I can not document or prove online, but it is true.

I have a neighbor 1 mile up the road. This neighbor has a dog that had found a chipmunk. Dog proceeded to play with chipmunk, then dog killed chipmunk. This chipmunk must have had connections, because the next thing that occured was so bizare, it is hard to accept as real.

Dog was attacked by a swarm of chipmunks.

Moral of the story? Ignorant superiority will not keep humans safe....watch out Bush!

A Cup of Coffee Saved My Life

2007-04-06T09:06:00.000-05:00

I do not believe in coincidences.

With that said, here is my story.

All the snow had finally melted and I was looking forward to the three hour drive to pick up my youngest son for the Easter holiday. In my neck of the woods, there is almost always a last incredible snow storm for the year, and unfortunately for me, the last storm of the year began right as I was readying myself to leave. (This storm still isn't over, and we now have over two feet of fresh powder on the ground.

I finished my evening shift at work, and decided to sit and have a cup of coffee with my boss. I was eager to leave, but really felt that I benefit from the caffeine and the casual conversation; the weather was looking really lousy. My car was ready, I was packed, I was eager to see my son, but I really felt I should have this cup of coffee. 20 minutes later, I was on the road.

I have driven through white outs, blizzards and black ice. I do not like these driving conditions, but living where I do, I had to learn to drive in it or move away. Northern Michigan does not slow down for winter. An hour into my drive I hit white out. There were two other drivers with me on that stretch of road, and the one car panicked, hit the hazard lights and slowed to about 10 mph. The other driver and I knew what to do, and manage to pass him on each side with our bright lights on and led the panicked driver forward; we were crawling at about 15 mph. On the sides of highways there are these grated, very bumpy shoulders that wake sleepy drivers who may be swerving off the road, but also aide drivers in wintery conditions like we were experienceing at that moment. Unable to see anything but a reflector here and there, the other driver and I were able to keep the third car on the road by 'shoulder checking' each side and keeping the panicked driver safely in the middle of the road. Within minutes, the white out was over, and we were all safe. It was a really cool feeling to know that without ever seeing anyone's face, all of us were connected to each other for just a few moments as a team and were able to safely pass through what I like to call a Hades Howl.

A little over an hour later, I knew why I had been almost compelled to have that coffee before I left. Farther downstate there may have been less snow, but there was black ice everywhere. For driver's who are not experienced with black ice, I am here to tell you, it is scary stuff. There is no control, no traction, and really no protection for other driver's if an when you may slip and slide. The only way to handle it is go slow and straight and stay off the peddles. Apparantly, up the road, someone lost control on an overpass and twenty cars proceeded to follow suit. I still don't know how bad any of the injuries were, but I am not wanting to know. What I do know is that traffic was at a total standstill for hours and we were backed up for at least 5 miles. Many of us managed to get across the highway to the other side after about an hour and head backwards on that really dreary night and make our way to the detour. There were state troopers everywhere; it was reported that it was the worst storm of the entire winter!!!

I managed to get to my son 5 1/2 hours later. It was a long night and I didn't sleep at all. I turned around the next morning and made the drive home through what we call a window; just a brief respite and it was on again. I am now looking at almost two feet of snow around my home where just three days ago the ground cover was thinking about popping up.

Now what does the coffee have to do with anything? I don't believe in coincidences. If I hadn't of had that coffee, I would have been in that terrible accident and may well not be here at all. Some of the most simple, inconsequential actions have the biggest results, and a cup of coffee saved my life, I am sure of it.

A Random Shiny Chicken Rant

2007-04-04T10:18:00.000-05:00

I am never quite sure how to describe myself or what I am like to others. This is why there isn't a description in my profile space yet. I am a pagan, an environmentalist, an activist, a voluteer. I love my children, animals, my home and my backyard. I love simplicity, can not stand stupidity, and I weep at ignorance. I believe that knowledge is a power that can liberate anyone and anything. I can hardly tolerate a television set, I rarely read mainstream magazines, and I trust very few people. I believe that the hippy generation was on to something, but lacked a vision to sustain them. I do not believe that we are lost, but rather derailed. The lust for money and power is evil. Humans are capable of anything we set our minds to. Mother Earth is in critical condition and America is like the ancient Roman Empire crubling within. The more certain I become within myself, the more volatile the world around me becomes. We can heal with our thoughts and trees can talk. I believe in omens and communication of the natural world as much as I believe in communicating within the spiritual realm. I am an excellant tarot reader, I am enjoying reading The Secret but don't fit in really with the New Age crowd either. I love real music, but can not listen to the radio for more than a few minutes. I think that we should all live in communes of some sort and organically farm. I believe the world's food market is toxic and contaminated with Monsanto GMO products. I know that I am Divine, and so are you. I think real communication without the fear of confrontation would solve most of the worlds problems. The older I become, the more empowered I become and sure of my next step. I am very opinionated but love and need to hear the thoughts of others. I really don't know what will happen in the year 2012 but I also don't know why dogs eat cat poop. (these are the mysteries of life to me....)Bush is a monkey, Cheeney is a Hitler, this means that Hitler is reincarnated and playing with string puppets for now.... My kids are nuts and refuse to surrender to the box....I love and worship them for that. I question everything and am rarely satisfied with the status quo. I love to read about Thoreau, Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr. and the teachings of Buddah. I think the first case of identity theft was that of Jesus: nope, just don't believe the christian version is the same guy at all. I think that there should be a revolution led by my dogs: they teach me everyday of love, honesty, loyalty and communal sharing.

Okay, well, this was a totally random rant about me. These are just some of the thoughts that manage to clog up my thinking wheels and keep me from focusing on other things. What I have been trying to write about the last few days is a workshop I am still trying to put together that has managed to become a quagmire and has frustrated me beyond belief. I keep pushing it off to the side not wanting to deal with it, but the time fast approaches in the form of a deadline and I will of course manage to come up with an outline in the middle of the night in the near future. It will be a sudden ray of inspiration, I will try to get out of bed to write it all down. There will be dogs in the way, I will trip, and hit my head on the way down to the floor. I doubt if there will be any bleeding, but making it to a piece of paper and pen before I loose my trains of thought are likely. What will I end up with?

Simple Pleasures

2007-04-01T09:17:00.000-05:00

This morning was one of the most beautiful mornings I have had in what seems like forever. I have managed to simplify my life in the last few months, and the simplest of events bring me great joy. Waking up naturally, without an alarm clock, dogs and puppies whining for me to wake up, the ringing of the phone, children needing my services....these are my typical wake up calls. Not this morning. The puppies let me sleep until 9am! The phone didn't ring until after 10am! None of my children needed anything desperately enough to wake me up! I was ecstatic to awaken of my own free will and nature, calmly and with peace in my heart. I consider this to be a minor miracle of the most fabulous sort.

Call me silly, but I really mean this. I soak the moments up like a parched sponge and began the morning ritual of taking three dogs out to potty, one at a time, without any chaos at all. It was like they were all reading the same script...very surreal. The ritual continued with the filling of food dishes, and then they all proceeded to eat with manners worthy of queens...again, surreal. If anyone knows anything of puppies, well, imagine what breakfast time is normally like...

While they ate their food, I began to boil water for my tea. This is a new part of my morning routine that has brought a small pleasure into my life. I used to have the coffee maker pre-programmed the night before and a pot of brew waiting for my groggy attack first thing in the morning. I drank coffee like a 15 yr old boy eating food and it wasn't pretty. A few months ago, I decided to bring tea into my life and slow down on the coffee. It has proven to be a magical experience for me. The process of filling the tea kettle, boiling the water on the stove, preparing the tea bag, enjoying the aroma of steeping tea and preparing it for consumption with a little lemon and honey.....this simple process has taught me how to enjoy my first moments of the day. Before, I was a stumbling monkey groping for the pot, slurping and sucking down the bitter bitch's brew. But now, I am actually waking up before the tea washes past my taste buds. I am seeing the sun hitting the trees with pleasure, and the steam from my cup is invigorating rather than something to be bypassed to get to the caffeine. This is a simple pleasure.

Now don't get me wrong, I love coffee. Love coffee. I just drank too much of it for the effect and without pleasure for many years now. The ritual of tea has brought a simple joy to the my mornings and has brought a renewed way of seeing the day before me. My days are filled with promise rather than dread and yes, tea, helped me to see that. Well, what else would one expect from a random shiny chicken?

Book Reviews

2007-03-30T11:30:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a few days because I was traveling and away from a computer. One of my adventures these last few days was to meet a woman named Sandra from the PhenomNews (a metaphysical publication) in Southern Michigan. Sandra was a pleasure and joy to meet and I had been looking forward to meeting her for about a week.
Sandra had requested volunteer book reviewers during last month's publication, and her call for help inspired me to again, step out of my comfort zone of anonymity for the umptenth time this year. I emailed and made the arraingments. I showed up in her office. I walked away with four potential books to review. It was that simple. One of the books I chose is a fiction novel titled The Passion of Mary Maddalen by Elizabeth Cunningham. One chapter into this story and I knew that it was my kind of story. Racy, forward and bold, the main character has already stepped right into my mind and taken her seat. It is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended (of which I am neither) and I am looking forward to riding this story out to the end. If anyone out there has read this title, let me know what your thoughts and comments are. I look forward to any and all imput from other readers out there!

Winter Relief

2007-03-24T06:33:00.000-05:00

I moved to this rural areal 12 years ago, on purpose, leaving the city far behind me. Winters are hard and by the time the snow starts to melt, I am panting for spring rain, crocus blooms and the sounds and smells of life. At last, I was able to stand out on my deck this morning, in the misty, predawn rain and see and hear the reasons why I left the cement ridden cluster-muck of city life.

There is a flock of turkeys on the southwestern ridge that were just yakking away a short time ago. Their funny calls answered by a mocking multitude of crows. I especially love crows and encourage them even closer to the property by throwing rotted meat out to the property line so they will come feast and maybe roost. It works sometimes, if they get to it before the other critters who may be interested.

The chipmunks and squirrels are in abundance, esp. the chips. They nest all year long here in a huge wood pile I have left for them, and they forage and explore the entire property and rarely show any concern when I randomly show up in their path. They usually stop, assess me with their hyperactive beady eyes and scurry off to finish their insane business of whatever it is they do. The squirrels on the other hand, usually just stake out the feeder and proceed in co-op missions of pillaging what isn't really theirs. Last year the main culprit was a rather large black squirrel whom I took an immediate dislike to, which was ok, because he didn't care for me too much either. Now, I have red squirrels, grey and that occasional bandit, 'the Black'. They do well for themselves and I don't complain about it as much as the birds. As long as I keep that feeder full, well, no one stays upset for too long.

I have a pair of doves that have returned already. They remind me of my summers when I was young and would waken to their romantic cooing. They are welcome to stay of course. The nuthatches and woodpeckers are long standing residents, but not as busy and visable as the chickadees, who flit around without rest. I eagerly await the return of the elusive rose breasted grossbeak who is my personal favorite. Him and his mate usually make a few appearances throughout the season and since they were the first bird I learned to identify after establishing my birdfeeder, they remain dear to my heart. There are many other birds through the summer who will show up and travel on and this is entertainment for my simple life.

Birds of course are small and non threatening. It is when the bear starts to come around that things get a little weird. The dogs of course start going ape and we try to be careful about making noise when we are going outside. This gives that young male time to move on. It is a decent arraingment between all of us. The feeder is way to high for him and too close to the house, so he doesn't try for it, but he does feast on the berry bushes that abound around us. We have only seen him once, two summer ago, and now he is about 4 years old. His markings have appeared on a few trees and posts, but honestly, he is more ghost than mammel to us. I hope to see him someday, safely of course, but nonetheless, I would really like to just see him.

Deer sweep through on occassion, but with all the brush around, they blend right in and they generally stay on the ridge line when they pass through. The fox though, now she is cool. She actually has ventured in very closely on occasion, and this year was the closest I was able to get to her. I am glad that I don't have any chickens yet and have to worry 'bout her getting into any nonexistant coop, but many of my neighbors have lost plenty of chicks, eggs and so forth to these highly intelligent creatures.

I guess with all this nature rambling, I sound like a nature freak, and it's probably the best way to describe my affliction. Despite the horrible economy in this area (one of the worst in the state) I find myself unable to pack up and migrate toward the cities where there is a greater financial opportunity. I live simply, freak out about my mounting bills, and work hard. For twelve years I have been reprogramming my thoughts and heart to tune in to Nature and all that she offers. I find Her gifts greater than any financial success I could be having elsewhere and choose to remain here, on purpose and with the intention of remaining Nature's student.

Lions, tigers and PUPPIES?!?!

2007-03-22T16:21:00.001-05:00

I am beginning to think that I am declining into a form of insanity at last. There are currently three puppies in my home and one, spayed, non maternal alpha bitch. Life has turned into a great cycle of 'potty outside' training, cleaning up failed training (aka: dog poo), leashes, dog dishes, crate training, and simple command training. The biggest thing we are working on now is the fact that the cat's litter box is not part of their supplemental diet and should be avoided at all costs. This, of course, is not going over well with the 'girls'.

Of course, I am not the type to have an easy sort of dog, oh no...not me :(, I actually picked these girls out in a weird sort of way (don't ask). My intention was to only bring one home with me as a companion for my other dog, but alas, I inherited the other two when my daughter moved back home with her two puppies in tow along with two cats who like to terrorize my 14 year old cat. They (the cats) have since been banned to two rooms in the basement where they receive a lot of attention from the daughter and her boyfriend (an apparant cat lover/dog hater type of person)

Two of the puppies are litter mates, both female and are half Doberman, half German Shephard. I think I was in denial while picking the initial puppy out about how much work this was going to be but now I realize how silly I was to pick these girls out. This only lasts until I look in their eyes and see the intelligence, love and devotion....I am a sucker. The third puppy is a little beafeater girl; a boxer mix of some sort. From the story I get from the daughter, this pup was being abused, and she of course, saved it by plucking it straight from the hands of the abuser. Yea, well, this little girl is a doll and can not be denied (the puppy; the daughter? lol). The only problem with all of this is the housebreaking.

You know when you are in over your head when you start dreaming about picking up puppy poo....egads! I couldn't believe it when I woke up; there is no rest for the wicked or the weary, and with three puppies in the house, I am weary!

At this point, I am willing to take sugestions for housebreaking from the devil himself if he were to offer....

Younger men

2007-03-17T05:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday brought a pleasant surprise my way...I am sincerely being hit on by a younger man who I find myself attracted to in that most primal sort of way. I am not used to this kind of attention and found myself flustered for the rest of the day. It is his apparant fantasy to be with an older woman and I am just finding myself a bit needy after a long term relationship break up. Do I intend to follow through with this sincere flirtation? Do I surprise him and myself by taking him up on his offer? No way....really....no....but I am thinking about it :) The mind is a powerful entity all and of itself and I confess that the very thoughts are turn ons, but the reality is that it would not be as wonderful in real life as it is in my mind.

Spring is in the air

2007-03-16T09:46:00.000-05:00

I was born and raised in California, but 12 years ago I left for a very rural area in the Northeast. The winters here can be brutal, and this winter proved to be a very hard one. Learning to drive in snow is adventurous enough, but learning to drive on ice, black ice, blizzards and wind storms is more adventure than most of us who live here care to have. Planning a trip to the store involves checking and knowing the weather. All seasoned residents will tell you that weather men/women are are crack, instead, pay attention to the birds and sky itself. Come mid-winter I am usually asking myself why did I move to this insane location and start contemplating a phone call to the local realator's office to put the house up for sale......then the most amazing thing happens.....spring arrives in the air! That's it, I am done for and start digging in again with anticipation and a lot of drool.....
This past month was the worst I have seen in years; the challenges of winter's rage held us all in her grip....but then the sun finally arrived to remind us of the promise of spring. Then the snow started to melt, which didn't happen to get me excited yet because it is usually a universal tease for us before the next big blast of ice and snow, but this time was different. The icicles slid off the roof and crashed onto the ground, exploding ice shards everywhere. Then, I saw the earth again under the white. Then the birds began to arrive in mass, but what really did it was the scent in the air itself.
After living in the snow belt for so many years, you can smell the air and know things. Spring has the most potent blood stiring scent I have ever smelled and there is the most luxurious, sensuous longing born that I could never trade in a million years. This past Sunday was the day for me, the day I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that winter is drawing to a close. This is an annual event for me. There is always this one day that Spring at last arrives and it is as if a 20 ton weight is lifted from my shoulders and my blood begins to stir and my heart starts its pitter patter in anticipation of seasonal change. This may all sound so goofy to many, but for me, this is the pay off, one of the big reasons why I live in this crazy rural area. It isn't for the night life, the malls, the shopping, the arts, the 'scene'. I live here because the fecund earth feeds me with my spiritual needs more than any other place in the world.