Poetry

I am a closet poet but don't tell anyone.

I am sure that I am a very terrible poet, but I can't seem to help myself nonetheless.

Winter wouldn't let go this year, and in keeping with my patron goddess, Persephone, I am working on this piece right now. Constructive criticism is always a good thing, so here it goes, and may you enjoy this effort.....


Hade’s Howl

She is stretched thin
Ethereal
Under the night of earth

Feeling the heat of his drums
Still pounding in her blood
Pounding in her sex

He howls with anguish
From his shadow
A sure sign of her leaving

Withholding the life of the sun
Her mother still grieves
Wanting what is hers

Persephone stretches further
Into gossamer; withholding
From the both of them

The desire of her dark lover
Throbs underneath her skin
The pit of her stomach
Always his

The warmth of her Mother
Always fresh
Nurtures her fleshly seeds
Waiting to burst

But for this moment
She can only just breathe
And claim herself
In solitude

The Business of Death

I found this online today: The Natural Death Centre. http://www.naturaldeath.org.uk/. Hurray for England! I must find an American counter part. Reading about this book got me to thinking about an essay I read years ago meticulously describing the details of body preservation and viewing preparations of a deceased body. Upon reading this piece, I threw up and decided to be cremated. My views have not changed and I have become more convinced that modern funeral industry has become a crime to humanity and the planet.

If I am born of the Mother, why on earth may I not be returned to Her in an environmentally safe fashion? I can not ‘legally’ be buried on my own property attended by my family and friends, but I can be pumped full of toxic chemicals and encased in a non-decomposing casket to remain forever preserved. Whose wishes are being preserved here? Not mine. If my family pets can be buried on my property, why can’t I? Our pets are family, I am family, and I am frequently accused of being more like my dogs than I care to admit, so this should make me a family pet and eligible to be buried on my property.

Why should strangers make a profit on my dead body and be allowed to exploit my grieving family? Thousands of dollars go into a funeral; those dollars are not going into the pockets of my children, but are being taken out of their pockets like it was a crime for me to die. No, I am not suicidal (in lieu of my last post), but Death and all the attached services are making a financial killing. (Pardon me for the unexpected pun).

I went on a job interview several years ago for a casket shop. The owner was committed to easing the exploitation of death and opened her shop across the street from a funeral home. There was a weird severity throughout the interview along with a twisted sense of humor. The choice of the store’s location came from a personal experience she had gone through with the loss of a good friend. The funeral home (yes, the one across the street from her) had attended to her deceased friend and she became aware of the cost for the casket alone. Curious, she began a search of casket costs and to her dismay, came to know how much of a sickening profit those people had made. (Yes, a grotesque amount of profit).

I am sure that most people are not aware of how well funeral homes do financially. The people who own these places are usually (not always) well above the normal income bracket. I used to work with a man who grew up in the business, and let’s just say he was accustomed to a very posh life. The more I learned from him, the more disillusioned I became. My Grandmother died a little over a year ago, and I bet the owner of the funeral home she was viewed in is driving a Jag.

Don’t get me wrong. A fair charge for services rendered is expected. An outrageous profit made at the expense of death just isn’t cool.

Depressed Voyeur

It's time to come clean.

I am depressed and I am not admitting to this gracefully. I could blame how I am feeling on a lot of different things. I can psychoanalyze myself to death; I could use any numerous devices such as food, sex, shopping or gambling to ease my pain, but am not doing so. I am tired though and always seem to have a very bad headache.

My depression is stemming from a lot of surpressed anger and frustration. Because I have so much on my plate and an obscene amount of responsibilities I have managed to barely just keep going but can not seem to get over the exhaustion or the headaches. The hardest part of this experience is to stop talking badly to myself.

I am not a depressive personality but toward the end of January, my life took one of the most dramatic turns I have ever seen. My young daughter moved to her dad's house as a last ditch effort to stem her destructive behavior. As a mother, my heart is broken. As a wild woman, I am enjoying the freedom from her anger and destructive behavior. There seems to be no reconciliation of these emotions and it is a matter of time before I will find equilibrium.

On the same day as my daughter's flight, my long term partner went beserko and claimed that he "should have shot (my) head off with a shotgun six years ago"! I can not stress enough that this was unexpected, crazy and scary behavior. He moved out within a few days of this outburst without a single apology or look over his shoulder. I can not explain his behavior, I only know that it was unforseen, frightening and nuts! I had never been even remotely scared of this man until that moment.

Within a week of these two events, I found my oldest daughter moving back home with her boyfriend, two puppies and two cats in tow. Her moving home was a good thing and a cause for rejoicing (much like the prodigal son story), but of course, changes, accommodations, and acclamation was difficult on the heels of all the dramatic trauma I found myself in.

In addition to all of this, my one puppy and her two puppies were all in the throws of house training, as I have mentioned already, so I won't begin to address the poop issues again, except to say that we are closer now to a poo free environment than we were about three months ago. Of course, lets throw in all of the vet visits, spaying, and the common parasitic infection that is currently running through all of them right now and being treated to the tune of about $200+.

I am a very tenacious and emotionally strong person, so I am told repeatedly by my family and friends, but I began to find myself drained. Add in a horrific winter and a terrible tourist season of which my profession depends on and whamo! I find myself getting farther and farther into this miasmic pit of depression.

In addition to the emotional roller coaster I found/find myself on, there is the pragmatic situation of money. With my daughter in California, there is no child support. With my partner gone, half of the household income walked out with him. It is safe to say that about 2/3 of my income disappeared in one evening. Even though my daughter moved in, we are both in the hospitality industry and have suffered the worst season of our lives due to the crazy weather we have had this year and local economics. The boyfriend, Goddess bless him, made the mortgage payment this month, but is barely working himself. We are all scrambling to work extra jobs, going on several interviews and waiting for call backs. Unfortunately, this is known as the dead season right now, and it will not ease up for at least three more weeks. Summary: broke, broke, broke.

Rationally I know that we are going to be fine and will be caught up by mid summer. We have had our family pow wow and have covered all of the options and are doing without for now. I think that the dogs are eating better than we are but that is the responsibility of having our animals. We have countlessly reminded ourselves that our financial situation is not a result of mismanagement of our funds, but simply an instant result to dramatic changes in our life circumstances. It is extremely difficult for me to not blame myself somehow; guilt and frustration shadow my heart and mind.

So, I am depressed. I think that most people would say that there is reason enough to be so right now, but I don't do depression. I pride myself on handling life on life's terms, adapting to change with ease and handling financial affairs with skill but it can be said that pride commeth before the fall and I am here to say that I have fallen and am not too interested in getting up right now. I am not going to the doctor for pills and I don't drink. Time is a great healer and I am giving myself permission today to be screwed up. I know that this to shall pass.

Here is the voyeurism part. I am online again reading everyone's blogs. I am silently reading what others are thinking and find it therapeutic. I finally realised this morning that I needed to confess my reality and risk my exposure, my vulnerability. I have been in denial about this depression, trying to conquer and ignore it; it isn't working. My hope with this confession of how I really feel, without buying into all the guilt, self-blame and repressed emotions, is to find my zest again and to get up and walk.

For all of you that are taking the time to read this, I thank you ahead of time for your prayers and good will. Know that I am peeking in on you too and take strength and courage from your words, observations and activities. I am grateful to you and grateful to have found this medium of expression.

Big World, small mind

It is probably just me being weird again, but Jesus, the world is huge!
Again, probably just me being weird, but there are so many thoughts out there connected and attached to people...this is crazy!
I am easily overwhelmed some days and want to live inside a single room for days, but today isn't one of those days.
I think I could change the world until I realize how big it is.

I went to Barnes & Noble today (baaaad mistake when broke) and had a ball being entertained by so many people calling out to me from their shelves. I love going to bookstores esp. when I have been living in a small room for days at a time. A little perspective is all I need sometimes.

How to get back on track

I am not a good capitalist. I realized yesterday while driving that I am just not all that interested in today's culture like the majority of society. This basic, all encompassing fact about myself drives me crazy. I had to go to Kohl's yesterday with my son, who is not a big consumer either thank Goddess, to exchange a pair of jeans for his lanky form. During the entire trip, I couldn't wait to get out of the store. I don't understand the need for 100 different styles of shoes that change every 6 weeks and what good they can be if you can't go walking in the mud with them. What is the point of buying jeans with holes in them? It certainly takes the fun and pride out of putting the holes in them myself through hard work and playing hard. Maybe I have been shopping at the second hand stores for too long because I can not justify spending a ridiculous amount of money on clothing that really is going to be out of fashion in a matter of weeks; this just isn't a good investment for me, but a huge profit for manufacturers. Maybe I am just too practical, but even as a kid, I remember hating the department stores, not needing video games, enjoying books, puzzles and a good bike ride; funny, I still enjoy these activities.

Watching all the people (I tend to do this A LOT) reminds me of a ant farm. Mindless consumerism without a legitimate need is one of the primary downfalls of American culture. This country, even in the rural, rural, rural area that I live in is consumed with the overwhelming pressure to buy more stuff to fill up their obscenely large homes in order to make people feel they are going somewhere in their life, that somehow they have arrived. I am not dense. I understand the mentality of the masses; I just sense the futility of it all.

Again, I make a terrible consumer, full of critique and derision. (I try to tone down the derision part), but I just don't understand why I need a newer TV, a faster computer or more clothes that are just look plain silly. Why is everyone driving up the cost of living this way? Will it ever end? I doubt it, which is why I have a different type of lifestyle and walk a different sort of walk.

I work to pay my bills, but I am not living to work or to spend. I am ambitious, just not in the 'American' sort of way. I do not want to be a big fish in a little pond, in fact, I would love to see all the little fish gang up on the few big fish that are running the show and chase them out of the pond, but alas, I suffer from delusions and idealism, so I have made a few decisions.

First, I will never succumb. I will not be pressured into thinking that Anna Nicole Smith is worth more of my time than the efforts of my Senate to bring my brothers and sisters home from the stupid war. I refuse to associate with Ambercrombie or invite him to my home. (I am not even sure that I know how to spell his name...lol) I do "Just Do It" without the help of Nike. I do not take medication because some cracker jack driving a Mercedes tells me it's safe, when the truth of the matter is the more medication he or she can shove down my throat, the greater the kickback and the bigger car he or she can drive. I do not watch TV or subscribe to the "liberal" media (one of the biggest oxymorons on the planet). I choose to be inconvenienced by recycling, animals and trying to be as nice as possible (difficult with all the idiocy floating around these days...in the air or water I think).

Second, I am spreading the word. I don't think that most people are aware of much of what goes on behind the scenes of big business, so I share what I know as much as possible. This doesn't win me any popularity contests, but I do serve a purpose.

Third; I have a vision. People perish for the lack of vision, and I just refuse to rot like an uneaten piece of fruit. I nourish that vision and talk of it with my family and friends. I connect, plug in, and nourish myself with others that can and do feed my soul. Without this type of communion, I would loose faith.

Well, I suppose I could go on and on like an old re-run, but I won't. I need to go and hug my son and my dog now, so whether this is a well written blog or not, doesn't matter. I followed through and I am off to feed my soul.....

ciao

Grumpy and Pissy

I am grumpy. As a pagan, I usually appreciate and enjoy the seasonal changes of the area of the world that I live in. Now, I am just getting pissy. In April, there is almost always a last snow storm of the season. The snow will usually melt within hours or days, but what we are experiencing right now is highly unusual. We had a four day snow storm that dropped over three feet, now we are readying for another 6+ inches within the next few hours. Usually, I am not affected with seasonal depression like many in my community are, but now? I am developing some empathy. I can't however, believe that this latest storm is for my 'benefit' and I am rebelling and ready to crawl into bed for the rest of the day. This is crazy! What on earth is going on? I don't mean to cry about this over and over again, but honestly folks, this is nuts!

I do wonder how much of this weird weather is related to global warming, and how much of it is just a natural cycle? I have only lived here for about 12 years, but even the old timers are talking about this weather as a phenomenon they have never seen. It is one thing for it to snow, but another to actually be covered in it without any signs of melting in April, and to top it off, another storm approaches carrying another load.

Yes, I know, I am bored with this subject too.

Does anyone out there have any great real estate leads for Costa Rica about now?

Dog Attacked by Chipmunks

This is just a crazy story that I can not document or prove online, but it is true.

I have a neighbor 1 mile up the road. This neighbor has a dog that had found a chipmunk. Dog proceeded to play with chipmunk, then dog killed chipmunk. This chipmunk must have had connections, because the next thing that occured was so bizare, it is hard to accept as real.

Dog was attacked by a swarm of chipmunks.

Moral of the story? Ignorant superiority will not keep humans safe....watch out Bush!

A Cup of Coffee Saved My Life

I do not believe in coincidences.

With that said, here is my story.

All the snow had finally melted and I was looking forward to the three hour drive to pick up my youngest son for the Easter holiday. In my neck of the woods, there is almost always a last incredible snow storm for the year, and unfortunately for me, the last storm of the year began right as I was readying myself to leave. (This storm still isn't over, and we now have over two feet of fresh powder on the ground.

I finished my evening shift at work, and decided to sit and have a cup of coffee with my boss. I was eager to leave, but really felt that I benefit from the caffeine and the casual conversation; the weather was looking really lousy. My car was ready, I was packed, I was eager to see my son, but I really felt I should have this cup of coffee. 20 minutes later, I was on the road.

I have driven through white outs, blizzards and black ice. I do not like these driving conditions, but living where I do, I had to learn to drive in it or move away. Northern Michigan does not slow down for winter. An hour into my drive I hit white out. There were two other drivers with me on that stretch of road, and the one car panicked, hit the hazard lights and slowed to about 10 mph. The other driver and I knew what to do, and manage to pass him on each side with our bright lights on and led the panicked driver forward; we were crawling at about 15 mph. On the sides of highways there are these grated, very bumpy shoulders that wake sleepy drivers who may be swerving off the road, but also aide drivers in wintery conditions like we were experienceing at that moment. Unable to see anything but a reflector here and there, the other driver and I were able to keep the third car on the road by 'shoulder checking' each side and keeping the panicked driver safely in the middle of the road. Within minutes, the white out was over, and we were all safe. It was a really cool feeling to know that without ever seeing anyone's face, all of us were connected to each other for just a few moments as a team and were able to safely pass through what I like to call a Hades Howl.

A little over an hour later, I knew why I had been almost compelled to have that coffee before I left. Farther downstate there may have been less snow, but there was black ice everywhere. For driver's who are not experienced with black ice, I am here to tell you, it is scary stuff. There is no control, no traction, and really no protection for other driver's if an when you may slip and slide. The only way to handle it is go slow and straight and stay off the peddles. Apparantly, up the road, someone lost control on an overpass and twenty cars proceeded to follow suit. I still don't know how bad any of the injuries were, but I am not wanting to know. What I do know is that traffic was at a total standstill for hours and we were backed up for at least 5 miles. Many of us managed to get across the highway to the other side after about an hour and head backwards on that really dreary night and make our way to the detour. There were state troopers everywhere; it was reported that it was the worst storm of the entire winter!!!

I managed to get to my son 5 1/2 hours later. It was a long night and I didn't sleep at all. I turned around the next morning and made the drive home through what we call a window; just a brief respite and it was on again. I am now looking at almost two feet of snow around my home where just three days ago the ground cover was thinking about popping up.

Now what does the coffee have to do with anything? I don't believe in coincidences. If I hadn't of had that coffee, I would have been in that terrible accident and may well not be here at all. Some of the most simple, inconsequential actions have the biggest results, and a cup of coffee saved my life, I am sure of it.

A Random Shiny Chicken Rant

I am never quite sure how to describe myself or what I am like to others. This is why there isn't a description in my profile space yet. I am a pagan, an environmentalist, an activist, a voluteer. I love my children, animals, my home and my backyard. I love simplicity, can not stand stupidity, and I weep at ignorance. I believe that knowledge is a power that can liberate anyone and anything. I can hardly tolerate a television set, I rarely read mainstream magazines, and I trust very few people. I believe that the hippy generation was on to something, but lacked a vision to sustain them. I do not believe that we are lost, but rather derailed. The lust for money and power is evil. Humans are capable of anything we set our minds to. Mother Earth is in critical condition and America is like the ancient Roman Empire crubling within. The more certain I become within myself, the more volatile the world around me becomes. We can heal with our thoughts and trees can talk. I believe in omens and communication of the natural world as much as I believe in communicating within the spiritual realm. I am an excellant tarot reader, I am enjoying reading The Secret but don't fit in really with the New Age crowd either. I love real music, but can not listen to the radio for more than a few minutes. I think that we should all live in communes of some sort and organically farm. I believe the world's food market is toxic and contaminated with Monsanto GMO products. I know that I am Divine, and so are you. I think real communication without the fear of confrontation would solve most of the worlds problems. The older I become, the more empowered I become and sure of my next step. I am very opinionated but love and need to hear the thoughts of others. I really don't know what will happen in the year 2012 but I also don't know why dogs eat cat poop. (these are the mysteries of life to me....)Bush is a monkey, Cheeney is a Hitler, this means that Hitler is reincarnated and playing with string puppets for now.... My kids are nuts and refuse to surrender to the box....I love and worship them for that. I question everything and am rarely satisfied with the status quo. I love to read about Thoreau, Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr. and the teachings of Buddah. I think the first case of identity theft was that of Jesus: nope, just don't believe the christian version is the same guy at all. I think that there should be a revolution led by my dogs: they teach me everyday of love, honesty, loyalty and communal sharing.

Okay, well, this was a totally random rant about me. These are just some of the thoughts that manage to clog up my thinking wheels and keep me from focusing on other things. What I have been trying to write about the last few days is a workshop I am still trying to put together that has managed to become a quagmire and has frustrated me beyond belief. I keep pushing it off to the side not wanting to deal with it, but the time fast approaches in the form of a deadline and I will of course manage to come up with an outline in the middle of the night in the near future. It will be a sudden ray of inspiration, I will try to get out of bed to write it all down. There will be dogs in the way, I will trip, and hit my head on the way down to the floor. I doubt if there will be any bleeding, but making it to a piece of paper and pen before I loose my trains of thought are likely. What will I end up with?

Simple Pleasures

This morning was one of the most beautiful mornings I have had in what seems like forever. I have managed to simplify my life in the last few months, and the simplest of events bring me great joy. Waking up naturally, without an alarm clock, dogs and puppies whining for me to wake up, the ringing of the phone, children needing my services....these are my typical wake up calls. Not this morning. The puppies let me sleep until 9am! The phone didn't ring until after 10am! None of my children needed anything desperately enough to wake me up! I was ecstatic to awaken of my own free will and nature, calmly and with peace in my heart. I consider this to be a minor miracle of the most fabulous sort.

Call me silly, but I really mean this. I soak the moments up like a parched sponge and began the morning ritual of taking three dogs out to potty, one at a time, without any chaos at all. It was like they were all reading the same script...very surreal. The ritual continued with the filling of food dishes, and then they all proceeded to eat with manners worthy of queens...again, surreal. If anyone knows anything of puppies, well, imagine what breakfast time is normally like...

While they ate their food, I began to boil water for my tea. This is a new part of my morning routine that has brought a small pleasure into my life. I used to have the coffee maker pre-programmed the night before and a pot of brew waiting for my groggy attack first thing in the morning. I drank coffee like a 15 yr old boy eating food and it wasn't pretty. A few months ago, I decided to bring tea into my life and slow down on the coffee. It has proven to be a magical experience for me. The process of filling the tea kettle, boiling the water on the stove, preparing the tea bag, enjoying the aroma of steeping tea and preparing it for consumption with a little lemon and honey.....this simple process has taught me how to enjoy my first moments of the day. Before, I was a stumbling monkey groping for the pot, slurping and sucking down the bitter bitch's brew. But now, I am actually waking up before the tea washes past my taste buds. I am seeing the sun hitting the trees with pleasure, and the steam from my cup is invigorating rather than something to be bypassed to get to the caffeine. This is a simple pleasure.

Now don't get me wrong, I love coffee. Love coffee. I just drank too much of it for the effect and without pleasure for many years now. The ritual of tea has brought a simple joy to the my mornings and has brought a renewed way of seeing the day before me. My days are filled with promise rather than dread and yes, tea, helped me to see that. Well, what else would one expect from a random shiny chicken?