TRANSITIONS

This morning I awoke and new that the end of this current transformation is now at hand. Since the end of January, my life has been caught in a wine press and only now am I beginning to see the elixir of my life come into being.

My life here in this neck of the woods is over. The bank came by and posted their intent to sell the house on courthouse steps, and the propane is running out, along with my time. It is hard to believe how many endings have occurred within the last month alone to facilitate my letting go of the life I have here as I know it. The rabbit died. I had to bury her...and as I was doing so, I found myself treating the burial with some disrespect, yelling at the sky something to the effect that I am through with death, through with all the endings; enough already!

My oldest cat is dying. She isn't in any pain that we can see, but she is definitely on her way out. She is about 13-14 years old....about the length of time that I have lived here, and I find it appropriate that she is leaving us at the same time that I am leaving here. Interesting timing. I know that I am going to have to put her down at the vet's, but until she displays any pain, it isn't happening. She is seeking me out, this old cat of mine. She is purring and talking to me now more than ever. It is as if she is advising me on my future, telling me that that I am being a fool to be so upset with this change...the Universe has willed it so, and I am being a shithead for not being more gracious with the gifts that lay before me. I am stubborn, like the cat, willful and independent as well. I am also impatient with these circumstances, but she doesn't care. She is insistent sharing her wisdom with me for now and she is pissing on the carpet that I have lovingly taken care of and stressed over for years; she is telling me to piss on it all and let it go. I am getting some pee pads for her today and am going to limit her roaming range for both of our sakes.

So I am packing. I am reminiscing. I am saying goodbye to the woods, to the animals, to the house itself. I am deciding my future. I am ridding myself of a ton of shit. I am cleaning out my soul.

I am heading back to the city after all this time. I was born and raised in a city, never wanted to go back, and now find myself looking forward to it from a whole different set of eyes than the ones I moved here with. I am richer, wiser, and more at peace than ever before. I have grown up in the woods, and now am taking my ass into some new territory that is kind of scaring the shit out of me. What if I hate it? What if I can't hack being back in the rat race? What if I can't sleep with all the frickin noise? The fears and questions are redundant anyways, as I am confronting them and eliminating them one by one, so all will be well.


None of it matters though, because what will be, will be. I am not fighting this any more; that has been the lesson. I am not struggling to make my life into something that it isn't. I am not living under some delusion of grandeur to make it better. I am simple, my life is simple, it is my mind that makes it complicated. I will survive the transition, one day at a time, as I have survived and blossomed with my sobriety for over 8 years now...again, one day at a time and I can honestly say that I have done well to spread my arms wide and say "I am ready" at last.