Coming out on the Other Side

Well...it has been a couple of months since I wrote anything here for good reason. I have been learning how NOT to drown in the ocean of life. At last, I can see the end of the hell that has been life for the last nine months and I am here to say that I barely recognize the person I am today.

Updates? Too many to fully explain, but a few highlights here; the house is being packed up slowly but surely. I figure that we have until February at the latest, but we are shooting to relocate at the end of December. Many trips to Habitat for Humanity, the Goodwill, a three day yard sale and one 6 yard dumpster has allowed me to rid myself of a lot of 'things' (broken and otherwise) that I honestly had to detach myself from. The process of elimination was a cleansing one; I still can not believe how easy it was to SHED the shit in my life and in my house. It has been a great physical purging that is paving the way to living my life a lot more simply.

The puppies? Well, we survived. Two were placed into good homes. They of course, ruined my carpet and ate a lot of furniture, but who cares? Not me, not anymore. They are well taken care of, and we were not the right owners for them. Besides, the way I look at it, it is less furniture to move in a few months for us!

My oldest daughter is relocating for a new job in a matter of weeks, and we are so happy and excited for her and the parental relief in knowing that she is on a fantastic path is grounds for a celebration and gratitude. The oldest son is doing more than well in his new classes this term and I am so pleased with his ability to stay focused on his goals that I almost envy him.

Me? Well, I am working two jobs right now, but have managed to get caught up on most of the bills. We are still losing the house, but that is ok. I have accepted what is to be, and am now looking forward to the next phase of my life.

I recently celebrated a milestone birthday by pouting all day in bed, but got over it soon enough by looking in the mirror and realizing that I did not look like one of those shrunken apple witch dolls we make during the fall season! I discovered that I am not broken and my heart still beats.

I also had the joy of experiencing a lovely relationship with a wonderful man who unfortunately lives too far away to carry on an ongoing, evolving relationship, but his presence in my life rekindled thoughts and feelings that I had long forgotten about. Even though the relationship is over, I am so happy to have known him and for everything that I was able to discover about myself. Yes, I know this is incredibly narcissistic, but I enjoyed myself immensely and now carry more faith in myself and the world that I consider it a gift from the Goddess.

My life turned upside down months ago, and here I am today. I know that I can adapt to almost any given situation, but what almost did me in here was the amount of changes that I had to go through in such a short period of time. I am still in the midst; it isn't over yet, but for now, today, I can smile and know that it will all work out the way that is best for all concerned. The only reality that scares me a bit is knowing how alone I am right now. I have never been in such a lonely situation before. Which leads me to the messages that I keep receiving from the Universe about self-reliance.

I am a huge believer in animal totems and meanings. The Heron made a dramatic entrance into my life last November...and with hindsight being 20/20, this is when my life as I knew it began to change. Heron's message is one of "aggressive self-determination and self-reliance" according to Ted Andrew's Animal Speak and even though I understood intellectually what I was in for, I had no idea that the reality would be so dramatic and life altering!

The Heron wasn't the only one to deliver such a message. The crows. Now, the crows are my personal totem (the picked me many years ago, I did not choose them) and I have always paid attention to them and their messages to me. However, many months ago, after the 'man' left my life at the end of January, the began to swarm into my life in the most noticeable way. In all the years I have lived in this house, the crows seemed to have kept their distance. Oh, they would fly overhead and roost around the property, but never did they all come in at once and start talking to me. I have heard the crows make noises that I have never heard before. They hang outside my bedroom window and wake me up with their screaming conversations. They are landing close to the house all the time now. In numbers. Not just singly or in pairs, but sometimes murders of them are right outside the door now. This has never happened to me personally before, and since their primary message is one of "magic necessary to create or recreate life", it seems rather obvious they are there to comfort and guide me in this huge transformational process.

So, with all of this said, I am alive and well. Spirit has everything under control and I am excited and looking forward to the future of many months of feeling like I am choking to death with every new day.