Beyond What I Think Is Cool

You know, for the longest time I could handle Life on her own terms, but then she became such a bitch! Just when I thought I was through all the major changes I could handle, she decided to just keep throwing more my way. Now? F**k it, I am fighting back.

Times are hard...for almost everyone I know it seems. For those I know who are not struggling economically, emotionally or mentally, I just pray that it stays that way, but I doubt it...you can say I am now an official cynic. Didn't used to be that way. The glass was half full for the longest time, but I got thirsty, drank the rest and now my damned glass is flippin empty. Drained folks, really, truly and ready to just check out of the game altogether.

Oh, but that just sounds so dramatic doesn't it?

TRANSITIONS

This morning I awoke and new that the end of this current transformation is now at hand. Since the end of January, my life has been caught in a wine press and only now am I beginning to see the elixir of my life come into being.

My life here in this neck of the woods is over. The bank came by and posted their intent to sell the house on courthouse steps, and the propane is running out, along with my time. It is hard to believe how many endings have occurred within the last month alone to facilitate my letting go of the life I have here as I know it. The rabbit died. I had to bury her...and as I was doing so, I found myself treating the burial with some disrespect, yelling at the sky something to the effect that I am through with death, through with all the endings; enough already!

My oldest cat is dying. She isn't in any pain that we can see, but she is definitely on her way out. She is about 13-14 years old....about the length of time that I have lived here, and I find it appropriate that she is leaving us at the same time that I am leaving here. Interesting timing. I know that I am going to have to put her down at the vet's, but until she displays any pain, it isn't happening. She is seeking me out, this old cat of mine. She is purring and talking to me now more than ever. It is as if she is advising me on my future, telling me that that I am being a fool to be so upset with this change...the Universe has willed it so, and I am being a shithead for not being more gracious with the gifts that lay before me. I am stubborn, like the cat, willful and independent as well. I am also impatient with these circumstances, but she doesn't care. She is insistent sharing her wisdom with me for now and she is pissing on the carpet that I have lovingly taken care of and stressed over for years; she is telling me to piss on it all and let it go. I am getting some pee pads for her today and am going to limit her roaming range for both of our sakes.

So I am packing. I am reminiscing. I am saying goodbye to the woods, to the animals, to the house itself. I am deciding my future. I am ridding myself of a ton of shit. I am cleaning out my soul.

I am heading back to the city after all this time. I was born and raised in a city, never wanted to go back, and now find myself looking forward to it from a whole different set of eyes than the ones I moved here with. I am richer, wiser, and more at peace than ever before. I have grown up in the woods, and now am taking my ass into some new territory that is kind of scaring the shit out of me. What if I hate it? What if I can't hack being back in the rat race? What if I can't sleep with all the frickin noise? The fears and questions are redundant anyways, as I am confronting them and eliminating them one by one, so all will be well.


None of it matters though, because what will be, will be. I am not fighting this any more; that has been the lesson. I am not struggling to make my life into something that it isn't. I am not living under some delusion of grandeur to make it better. I am simple, my life is simple, it is my mind that makes it complicated. I will survive the transition, one day at a time, as I have survived and blossomed with my sobriety for over 8 years now...again, one day at a time and I can honestly say that I have done well to spread my arms wide and say "I am ready" at last.

Coming out on the Other Side

Well...it has been a couple of months since I wrote anything here for good reason. I have been learning how NOT to drown in the ocean of life. At last, I can see the end of the hell that has been life for the last nine months and I am here to say that I barely recognize the person I am today.

Updates? Too many to fully explain, but a few highlights here; the house is being packed up slowly but surely. I figure that we have until February at the latest, but we are shooting to relocate at the end of December. Many trips to Habitat for Humanity, the Goodwill, a three day yard sale and one 6 yard dumpster has allowed me to rid myself of a lot of 'things' (broken and otherwise) that I honestly had to detach myself from. The process of elimination was a cleansing one; I still can not believe how easy it was to SHED the shit in my life and in my house. It has been a great physical purging that is paving the way to living my life a lot more simply.

The puppies? Well, we survived. Two were placed into good homes. They of course, ruined my carpet and ate a lot of furniture, but who cares? Not me, not anymore. They are well taken care of, and we were not the right owners for them. Besides, the way I look at it, it is less furniture to move in a few months for us!

My oldest daughter is relocating for a new job in a matter of weeks, and we are so happy and excited for her and the parental relief in knowing that she is on a fantastic path is grounds for a celebration and gratitude. The oldest son is doing more than well in his new classes this term and I am so pleased with his ability to stay focused on his goals that I almost envy him.

Me? Well, I am working two jobs right now, but have managed to get caught up on most of the bills. We are still losing the house, but that is ok. I have accepted what is to be, and am now looking forward to the next phase of my life.

I recently celebrated a milestone birthday by pouting all day in bed, but got over it soon enough by looking in the mirror and realizing that I did not look like one of those shrunken apple witch dolls we make during the fall season! I discovered that I am not broken and my heart still beats.

I also had the joy of experiencing a lovely relationship with a wonderful man who unfortunately lives too far away to carry on an ongoing, evolving relationship, but his presence in my life rekindled thoughts and feelings that I had long forgotten about. Even though the relationship is over, I am so happy to have known him and for everything that I was able to discover about myself. Yes, I know this is incredibly narcissistic, but I enjoyed myself immensely and now carry more faith in myself and the world that I consider it a gift from the Goddess.

My life turned upside down months ago, and here I am today. I know that I can adapt to almost any given situation, but what almost did me in here was the amount of changes that I had to go through in such a short period of time. I am still in the midst; it isn't over yet, but for now, today, I can smile and know that it will all work out the way that is best for all concerned. The only reality that scares me a bit is knowing how alone I am right now. I have never been in such a lonely situation before. Which leads me to the messages that I keep receiving from the Universe about self-reliance.

I am a huge believer in animal totems and meanings. The Heron made a dramatic entrance into my life last November...and with hindsight being 20/20, this is when my life as I knew it began to change. Heron's message is one of "aggressive self-determination and self-reliance" according to Ted Andrew's Animal Speak and even though I understood intellectually what I was in for, I had no idea that the reality would be so dramatic and life altering!

The Heron wasn't the only one to deliver such a message. The crows. Now, the crows are my personal totem (the picked me many years ago, I did not choose them) and I have always paid attention to them and their messages to me. However, many months ago, after the 'man' left my life at the end of January, the began to swarm into my life in the most noticeable way. In all the years I have lived in this house, the crows seemed to have kept their distance. Oh, they would fly overhead and roost around the property, but never did they all come in at once and start talking to me. I have heard the crows make noises that I have never heard before. They hang outside my bedroom window and wake me up with their screaming conversations. They are landing close to the house all the time now. In numbers. Not just singly or in pairs, but sometimes murders of them are right outside the door now. This has never happened to me personally before, and since their primary message is one of "magic necessary to create or recreate life", it seems rather obvious they are there to comfort and guide me in this huge transformational process.

So, with all of this said, I am alive and well. Spirit has everything under control and I am excited and looking forward to the future of many months of feeling like I am choking to death with every new day.

It's the same but it's different

My life is in shambles. My home is now a certifiable disaster area. I hardly see my children anymore. The garden is forlorn and in disarray. Books lay unread on the tables. Friends are far away and unreachable right now. I don’t cook anymore. I am so far behind in my bills that I doubt I will be caught up before the first snow. Foreclosure looms upon the horizon like the worst kind of monster ever dreamed, and I am finally getting over a horrible chest cold that struck me almost two weeks ago.

It is time to rejoice!

I, for one, would never have foreseen this kind of reaction in myself, but it is true! It’s time to party and time to celebrate! The last six months are now classified as one of the most difficult times of my life and rank right up there with kicking drugs, getting sober and getting divorced, but what I know now is that the next six months of my life are going to be fabulous, fantastic and far out !

My Higher Self, in conjunction with the Divine Universe, felt it was necessary to rip the carpet out from under me, bring me to my knees and turn my life completely upside down in order to get my attention; consider it an unexpected slap in the face from a loved one in the middle of a death like trance. I am paying attention now.

I never realized, never saw, how entrenched I had become in my own thoughts and actions; how encased in the fear of the unknown I had become and how hindered I had become. Fear has a way of hardening the heart and mine had become a stone. It has taken a series of devastating life changes to bring me back into focus and to allow love to flow again in my veins. So yes, I am rejoicing even if it is only in my mind because my body is too exhausted to dance yet.

I am looking at this small world of mine with new eyes. I see possibilities wherever I look now instead of obstacles. Yes, the house is still a disaster, the garden is overrun, the kids are doing their thing, the bills are still mounted up and the stove is remaining cold. But the point is, the house can be cleaned up, the garden can be brought back into heel, the kids are allowed to grow up, I really don’t like to cook a whole lot and the bills are just bills. I hear George Carlin saying ‘It’s the same, but it’s different’ and I get it now………took a few years, but I get it now.

Thank you George……….

Re-emerging

I has been four months now since 'the man' went crazy and left my life. Since that time, my life has been full of chaos, insanity and a newly developed habit of insomnia. Overall, I can say that it has all been positive, but deep down, the act of just getting through the days has been covering up what I have unwillingly discovered as loneliness...

Since 'the man' left, I have been working two jobs to try to pay the bills that he left me behind in, learning to live with my oldest daughter again, dealing with my first time lovestruck son, and puppies, who are now very big, but still not completely housebroken. This is just the big stuff. The jobs haven't brought nearly enough cash in, there are problems with the daughter and her sweetheart, my son was dumped by this weird little girl and the puppies still are not completely housebroken.***sigh*** The last week was full of insomnia, exhaustion and work, work, work. So I basically disappeared into a strict schedule of survival only.

Last night was the end of both of my jobs which are now replace with a new, full-time job that should be able to sustain myself and the household. Last night I was finally able to sleep, but not before one of the biggest crying sessions of my life. I discovered that I was lonely and scared. Yup, me. The tough and mighty, the most tenacious broad many people claim to know was brought low to her knees and found herself in a weeping pile of snot and misery. I am going to chalk it up to total fatigue and temporary insanity, or I will allow it to be part of the healing process, either way, I am stuffed and puffy eyed this morning and determined to move on. I just wish I could figure out what 'moving on' really means and am I supposed to be enjoying the drive?

Spring and Sex

Let me just get right down to this. Beltane, for me, is a fun day full of fertility and sex. Spring comes leaping upon us like a buck looking for a doe, and I have always found pleasure celebrating this holiday, that is, until this year. As I have posted, this is the first time being alone during spring in many years and I can now officially define ‘cat scratch fever’. Randyness is not suffered well by this random chicken. (For those not in the know here is a randy definition “One way of ensuring that Brits laugh at American sitcoms is to put someone in the program called Randy. This is because randy in UK English translates very well as horny in US English…” )

A few years ago I would have handled things much differently, but listen folks, I am officially in my sexual prime and I am uncomfortable! (This is not a request for takers, so please don’t ask) I can now relate to the angst of young men suffering from blue balls, one track minds and ridiculous thoughts and behaviors. Don’t get me wrong, I am somewhat mature and I am not out there doing anything weird or irresponsible. I am not into any questionable perversions, but this is getting out of hand! So what is a woman who is crawling up walls to do? Yea, you have some ideas I know, so run with them; more than likely a few of those ideas are correct.

I called my mom.

Of course I called my mom; she is one of the most intelligent people I know and we can talk about anything and have. (I was born in the 60’s after all, need I say more?) Really mom, is this normal? I am just not used to this physiological/biological intensity within my own body…what the hell? Between her tears of laughter and gasping for air, she assured me that indeed, I was normal and no, this wasn’t about mind over matter. This is more basic, more animal than that. I always believed that this ‘affliction’ would occur at an earlier age, and that I had possibly just missed it, but nnnnooooo, not me, the perpetual late bloomer and here I find myself looking at men a whole new way. No offense gentlemen, but there are frequent moments within the last month or so when I will look at one of you as an object, a means to an end, a tool and alas, the gender roles have been tweaked in my own mind. (I can hear men laughing all over the world…*sigh*)

Ok, so as a rational human being (really!), I decided to break this down in my mind. A woman in her prime with no partner makes for a real bitch, and as a service to myself, my family, and my co-workers, I decided the only right and compassionate thing to do would be to get laid. This of course opens a whole can of worms in more ways than one. (Yea, I suppose the pun was intended) Well, if you read one of my first posts (younger men), it will illuminate the direction I decided to take. Clichés are clichés for a reason. I think that it was/is a win-win situation for all and, I might add with a side splitting grin, legal!

No one was hurt during the making of my personal Beltaine ritual.

So was it worth it? YES. I feel much better now, thank you for asking. Am I going to do it again? Yep. With the same buck? Certainly. Was it safe? Duh! Any possibility of misunderstanding on his part? No way. This is about biology, maintenance, and self preservation, besides, I don’t have any more urges to bite the dogs and they are grateful for that.

Now the great thing about this, besides the anticipation of a repeat event, is the well spring of creativity that has been flowing through me since. I have been writing again with honesty and intensity. My perceptions have been cleansed. Things are fresh and full of energy again. Isn’t this what Beltaine is about? I thought I had lost all of this to a bad relationship and growing older. Who would have thought a simple matter of good sex could do this? I know some of you out there are sneering, mocking and generally making a nuisance of yourself, so my heartfelt sympathies go out to you. Hey, I didn’t say it was for everyone, I can only speak for myself but if it works, if it is safe, if it is legal, and it is fun, then I’m in.

Merry Spring to all!